Written in January of 2012:

I became a stay at home mom 11.5 yrs ago.  When I was pregnant, I didn't know if I would like being a sahm or not.  It was hard for me then.  We had a new baby, moved to another town, my husband had a new job and I had no friends.  I think that is what happens when you become a mom and move away.  All the people i had known lived somewhere else.  I didn't have anyone to talk to about breastfeeding that was my age.  It was lonely.  As time passed it became better.  I had a few friends and knew other moms with babies.  We bought house and had another baby.  I enjoyed it.  It grows on you.  When you realize how important raising a little person is, you know that you are doing the right thing.  Even when it becomes difficult.  We later had a 3rd boy and it was a lot harder than i thought it would be.  The oldest was in school all day and the middle only half a day.  You have to drag your baby out in the weather 3 times a day.  It really sucked.  Taking 3 kids shopping is difficult.  Staying a home all day without another adult is way more difficult.  By the time the day ended I was exhausted and still felt sad that all i had done that day was for other people, even though it is for you own children.  Fast forward 4 yrs.  My youngest is on the verge of all day school next year.  I have to decide what I am going to do for me now.  I kind of look forward to it and it is sad also.  No little babies at home anymore.  But I still have to be available for school functions, sick days, etc....I think that I am ready for this.  I have gone out and worked a few times since having kids, and the whole time I missed them.  Staying home is a huge sacrifice!  Mentally, physically and financially.  We don't have new cars or go on vacations.  Our savings is very little and there is always an unexpected expense (mainly car repairs).  Our kids don't have fancy music lessons or fancy shoes/clothes.  Sometimes that makes me sad.  I only want them to have nice things and be able to take advantage of all opportunities.  But I know that it also makes you work harder and appreciate everything that you do have.  That is a good thing too :)

My thumb is turning Green

I decided that this year, I will work very hard on our gardens.  When we moved in, the yard and gardens were beautiful.  Then it got hot and didn't rain for a really long time and I let it die.  There was no way to keep everything alive.  It has been a learning experience that is for sure.  I have learned that I am good at taking care of small sections at a time.  I tried to have a big vegetable garden the first year, but it was hard to keep going.  Last year, we created a small raised bed.  It started out great, but didn't produce due to a drought and watering restrictions.  This year, I added 2 more raised vegetable bed, (making 3 total).  There is going to be so many vegetables that I won't be able to keep up!  The front bed is what I call my salsa garden.  It has tomatoes, peppers, cilantro, basil, parsley, spearmint and rosemary.  The herbs are some of my favorite things that I planted so far.  I love to go pick a leaf and smell it!  I also added some flowers.  I bought plants that were already started for the front garden.  The back yard is my salad garden.  I bought a seed packets for these beds.  It has cucumbers, radishes, lettuce, tomatoes, carrots and yellow squash.  My husband got 2 thorn-less blackberry bushes for his birthday and we planted them too.  I am so excited that it is going so well this year!  I feel like I got the hang of it.  I don't think that I can go back to just having a big garden in the middle of the yard ever again.  The raised beds are much easier to weed than the other type of garden was.  I was having to get out the rototiller several times a week and I couldn't keep the weeds and grass out of it.



The other thing that I accomplished is getting my flower beds in shape.  They were just terrible!  Weeds kept coming and the flowers dried up.  I have mulched almost everything and I use miracle grow all the time!  So far they are doing great, but we have also had a lot of rain this year, thank goodness.  90% of all the flowers and perennials that I have bought have been clearance.  I was really proud of that.  I could walk into Lowes and buy 2.5qt size perennials that look dead for $1 or less and take them home and they are doing great!  I bought about $70 worth of plants and one big bag of potting soil and only spent $20.  I have bought a few things that were not on sale though, like the vegetables and a few annuals, but I couldn't get those cheaper.  Since it looks good, it's fun to go out and maintain!

11 going on 2

Why is it that my 11 (almost 12) year old son acts worse than my 4 year old son? I am trying to get him ready for his 1st boy scout camp and all I hear is complaining, whining and rudeness!? Oh it just gives me a headache. I am at my wits end with this behavior.  Something has got to give.  It has been going on for far too long now.  We came straight back from a trip to the store without buying one darn thing on our long list because of his behavior.  Right now as a punishment he will be spending time in his room.  I have a few things that we are going to start doing this summer to rememdy this, but I am open for suggestions too!

One of the things that I told him will happen, is that I will not sign him up for anything else.  If he wants to participate then he will have to be the one to take the responsiblity.  I refuse to hear complaints about how he doesn't want to do it again.  It is time that he takes that responsibility and has no one to blame but him.  I love him dearly, but I know that I can not tolerate this any longer.  I want my child to be kind and helpful, not whiny and rude!!!

I made a lunch every day :)

I am proud to say that I made my boy's a lunch every day they went to school this year!!  They did not eat cafeteria food one single time!  It was easy because I bought Ziploc containers that had 3 compartment's that fit a sandwich, chips and a treat perfectly.  I didn't have to throw away anything, everything was used again.  I am sure that I saved money too!

Showing Gods love even when you don't feel like it.

It's been kind of a bummer of a day.  In church, I asked god to take away the anger and resentment and hurt I was feeling.  The message was about LOVE; showing love to everyone even when they have hurt you.  Sometimes that is one of the hardest lesson's!  I want to cry out and ask why and demand answers.  It wouldn't be nice of me or probably make me feel better either.

I was very hurt by friends because they chose to not invite me to a girls night.  I am sure it was not intentional by some or that some even thought of including me.  but the ones that did is what makes it hurt.  I don't think that I was even supposed to know and wouldn't have had my mother in law not told me and probably assumed I already knew about.  I would have loved to go and I could have gotten a babysitter easy since husband and oldest son were already out of town.  The more I found out about it the more it makes me feel bad/sad.  I know that there are other people left out too at times and it's not a good feeling.  I especially like to participate when I can go alone and have good conversations with other women.  I don't like wondering if I wasn't invited because of something that I did.  I am good for more than just being a teacher or babysitting.

I don't like to go around and pretend that I am fine about it to the people that know.  It turns me away from wanting to go there or be involved.  I am praying about it.  I want God to give me the desire to show his love and kindness even when I don't want too!

We had a message on the answering machine the other day.  Someone we knew in college passed away.  He found out a month ago he had liver cancer.  He died Friday.  His wife writes a blog and in it she said that she didn't know how to pay the bills, because her husband did it.  She was going to stay in bed until they took his body away.  So sad :(  It is so blunt and in your face when you are faced with how short your life is.  You want to turn away from the reality of what if that were you and your family.

In my mind the things I think about dying are:

• what about my kids?  I want them to know how much I love them and will miss them.
• will my husband know how to make food or wash clothes?  I really hope so (I have been trying to teach the boys how to use the washer and dryer, so they can become independent :)
• make sure my husband knows my passwords and can pay bills and get into the safe deposit box
• i want my family to be happy

I remember what I was doing that day

There are certain times in your life that you just don't forget.  Wedding, baby's birth, baptism, May 3 1999 tornado, April 19 1995 and September 11 2001.  

I know exactly what I was doing that morning.  I was getting ready to get my retainer adjusted at the dentist at 9am.  I got up early to eat a good breakfast because I knew that I wouldn't be able to take out the retainer for hours afterward.  My first son was only 14 months old at the time and he was still in bed.  We had plane tickets to go to Wisconsin in about a week.  The phone rang and it was my mother in law telling me to turn on the TV, the world trade center had been struck by airplanes.  I won't forget the feeling I had that day and the sadness for all the people who lost their lives that day.  All flights were canceled, the lines to get gasonline was a mile long, people began lining up to give blood.  It was just crazy.  Our flights to Wisconsin got canceled and we had to drive instead.